Long time, no Narnia!!!

Hi again! I know I didn't post for a long time now and the promised Harry Potter review never saw the light of day, but the reason behind all this is: I was ill and basically haven't even completely recovered now. Well 'insane' as always, I now feel well enough to marter you with my newest review of the Chronicles of Diharroea - er - Narnia:

Just like with my Sin City review you can guess that I just tend to write reviews if I hated the movie and you're right: So well why was Narnia as shitty as Sin City?

First of all it was tedious, very tedious and boring. The story that carries the kids to the actually interesting point of the battle (i.e. climax) is about as boring as you can possibly imagine a fantasy story to be. I mean just look at LotR and how they did it - there was real threat and danger due to the ring wraiths everywhere around. Here we get nothing for the first hour or so until then finally the white bitch ...er... make that witch sends out her dogs (I mean wolves) after having captured one of the kids, the cleverst of them all - and by that I mean the most stupid of the lot.

Don't get me wrong they are all about as dumb as a doorknob with their brains at a below zero degree working temperature! They are what most Europeans would think how American kids must be like. Yes they are THAT stupid. Coming to the countryside, fleeing from German bombings in World War II, they are cought up to there necks in questions of authority and kids games. None of them, even the oldest two (a bossy, motherly type and a loser with a low leadership value [god I have invested too much time in Warhammer lately]) seem to have a clue about what's going on.

Well let's begin with Lucy or however that little brat was called. So the kids were just killing time by playing hide and seek and Lucy stumbles over an old wardrope in which she hides, noticing that it leads into a snowy forrest. Well she assumes that it must be a rather BIG wardrope she is in... ahem ... yeah sure kid, there's a whole fucking WORLD in your bloody wardrope... ok... enters a Faun or however these beasts are called. He is half man half goat (yup actuall goat legs and all - though due to Disney, while being pantless, no sexual organs actually show). That in itself is a statement that should give you an idea of the weirdness of the situation. However Lucy just goes on as mothers warn their children they shouldn't when encountering strangers:

After talking to him and helping him pick up some of his stuff, JUDGING how nice a person Mr.Tumnus really is, she then (stupidly as always) follows him to his place to have some nice tea and toast with anchovy. Er...yeah...that is what I would do......sure........Discover a freaking gate into another world (not worrying a bit if you can get back) following a complete stranger with goat legs (and no visible sexual-organs!!!) to have fucking tea with him at his place?!? My god what did that kid's mother teach her?!? Nothing? Bullshit? Both!!! Well turns out that the 'nice' Mr. Tumnus actually wanted to kidnap Lucy and keep her prisoner to deliver her to the evil white bitch, witch whatever. Only now he that he's done it, he's too chicken (despite being half a goat...) to actually do it. Well that is SOME luck little Lucy, because in 99% of the cases you would now have been raped and possibly killed, or at least been handed over for a lot of money to the white queen who then would have raped and or killed you.

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Well just as luckily she discovers (suddenly remembering that she has been away from home for a while) that she can go back through the wardrope to her own time/world/dimension and that no time has passed there at all, though she has stayed at least a day in Narnia. Ok the clever audience notices, almost no time passes here, when they are in Narnia, so logically if she would enter the wardrope a second later, years would have passed there... Well only problem is the gate to Narnia has closed, so no one believes Lucy and she cries around (her big brother and sister are helpless as always).

At night Lucy gets back to Narnia (gate is open again) and her second brother follows her (he's the family's rebellious character). Well interestingly just a little time has actually passed in Narnia despite our expectations...so yes it is an illogical world-gate-structure portrayed here. Ed, Lucy's brother, manages to stumble upon the white bitch and her chariot driver (a mad dwarf - well that is actually a rather well-done portrayal of dwarves) who first almost runs him over, then almost kills him until the queen orders him to stop and asks Ed if he wants to enter the sleigh........ok what did your mother say? Never enter a stranger's car, especially if they offer you sweets...... the queen offers him whatever he wants to eat and drink (turkish delights and hot chocolate) and OF COURSE he enters the chariout and believes EVERYTHING the bitch says and then agrees to bring around his sibblings (which she needs to kill to negate an age old prohecy about her death).

Again - yeah sure that is how I would act! I would never have ANY suspicions about people giving me stuff for free and then keep asking me to do stuff for them just because they are SO nice...

Well I'll skip a bit now since I think you got the impression of tediousness and overall stupor already and the film goes on in the same anti-pace and with the same amount of boring events and mindboggling absence of sanity (or well behaviour due to a good upbringing).

All the kids come to Narnia and meet some (well animated) beavers after discovering that Mr. Tumnus has been arrested for NOT giving Lucy in (her brother told the witch about all this - man is that boy smart). The beavers can talk and tell the kids about the prophecy, that anounces the end of the white witch, the coming of Azlan (a lion king - saviour [or a Kebab-takeaway (and delivery) around where I live]) and the big battle leading to these events fought by the 2 sons of Adam and 2 daughters of Eve (I wouldn't have wondered if one of the kids had said: 'but Dad is called Burt and Mom's name is Monica'...well but they got it right this time, only that they understandably don't want to fight at all having just fled from war). They can only agree on having to free Mr.Tumnus (yup the guy that almost raped their youngest sister...) and then their borther Ed aswell, who ran away to his new flame the white bitch.

Since he cannot pay her fees (that would be his sibblings) there is no sex for him (he wouldn't have survived THAT anyways - think Basic Instinct) and he is thrown into prison with the almost-rapist Mr. Tumnus, who is killed or rather frozen (since the queen is not really killing anyone, just turning them into black ice or stone - yup smells disneyish to me aswell) shortly after this, having learned that Ed is the 'traitor' who gave away the info that Tumnus didn't turn in Lucy. Queeny sends out her wolves to catch the kids but they are unable to, since the kids are lucky again (they are running to Azlan's pad [maybe they are hungry, they DO have cheap, yummy Kebabs there - now pay me for this statement!!!]). Then all of a sudden they meet Santa Claus (ho, ho, ho - what a great, fucking insane idea!!!) who gives them weapons as chrismas presents. Little armsdealer Santa...who would have thought it, but now we know how Sadam got these weapons of mass destruction that (later) no one could find hmmmmm?

Well they do arrive at Azlans camp and learn that they must fight, so that the eternal winter put over the land by the evil bitch (Lucy learned from Goatie WHY she is THAT evil and must thus be killed: She made it always winter but NEVER christmas - GOD THAT IS PURE EVIL, NOT EVEN DARTH VADER MANAGED TO DO THAT!!! - hey but isn't Santa back now, huh?...nah still need to juice..er..kill her!). The queen's wolves attack the kids again and the oldest brother doesn't want to fight, then in defense holds up his sword into which the big bad (talking) wolf then readily jumps. Yeah really, he totally jumps into the blade, the boy doesn't even move it. Maybe it's just me but I deem the wolf's move was tactically speaking 'unwise' or even 'unfavourable'...(so we see the creatures are just as stupid as the kids...)

Then the queen exchanges Ed's life for that of Azlan - the Lion Saviour, who in the night is killed by her on a huge stone altar. The killing itself is portrayed rather emotionless and boring [a bit more excitement would maybe have put too much bloodlust into a Disney-Movie, but who cares anymore by now], we do however find the two girls watching the whole thing happen. Then while they mourn at the lions side, the big battle begins, led by the oldest brother, who shortly before still hadn't figured out on which end his sword should be held. Imagine a battle that could have been as intense as the last battle in Lord of the rings. Now take away dark, really ugly creatures and replace them with furry animals and a few angry looking dwarves. Now take away all the blood and darkness. Take away the music and the choreography. Now you can almost picture the epic 'vastness' (should be wasteness) of this battle being fought on green hills in the sunshine.

Need I say it? It is boring as hell to watch, despite being the fucking climax. Then the lion returns from the dead (that is what people mean when they talk about all the Christian references in the books) and manages too kill the bitch just in time, before she can kill the oldest brother - now the hero who can suddenly kill Minotaurs and the likes. The lion bites her head off, but since no blood is on his mane or snout, maybe she was actually really made out of ice (icequeen) and he didn't bite her head of, but licked it off or something... since licking (a girl) in any form would be sex-related the whole scene isn't shown.

In the end the kids get to sit on the thrones, worshipped as kings and queens with new fancy-pansy titles. The whole world has summer again, Azlan leaves to where ever fighting lion saviours go and after living for 10 years or more in Narnia, the kids stumble upon the wardrope-portal again and are thrown back to their own world, being turned back into the spoiled, dumb brats they used to be. Serves them right in my opinion.

Nothing works in this movie, except for the glorious animation of the computer-generated animals which hasn't been paralleled before. The characters have no real developments, or if they do have it, it is all of a sudden (like the oldest brother knowing how to fight after the wolf jumped into his blade), there are no strong motivations really (why for example does the white queen want to rule Narnia, what are the benefits?) and there is no pace or interesting action in there at all.

I would have walked out of there had I not waited to see if at least the end is somewhat interesting, but yeah I should have left earlier. Really if this had been a horror-flick the stupid kids wouldn't have survived more than 10 minutes.

Thank you for your attention, if you haven't fallen asleep over this review or beat yourself to death with a spoon due to the detailed report of stupidity in this movie>;o)